Mafia Gazette Past Issue 15
2nd September, 2005 'SERIAL KILLER SHOT DEAD ' A serial killer was today shot dead in the street after claiming the lives of up to eleven people. Police are still uncertain of the exact number, but it is believed that two Street Bosses were among those killed by the murderer. The police have refused to release the identity of the killer, however it was believed to be the work of “Big_B”, a local mental patient who believes themselves to be Chell. A spokesman for the institution stated that B had been a special case suffering from severe psychotic paranoia with sociopath tendencies that had escaped this morning, leaving a note in their room stating that they were intending to kill as many Mystery Men as possible. The spokesman said that B’s paranoia was severe and they believed everyone they saw to be Mystery Men. A concerned member of the public shot Big_B shortly after Mango had been killed in a shootout with the paranoid escapee. The police released names other members of the community believed to have died at the hands of this murderer. The names released were: TheLieutenant, YungVito, both Street Bosses, Zebedee, xxx-Zadie-xxx, WaveRider and SonOfPerdition. Experts at the Asylum stated that there may be a genetic defect in this killer’s line, and it is possible that their descendants may fall prey to the same delusions. Police have warned people not to approach anyone they suspect of being a descendant, but to call the authorities at once to have them locked in a padded cell. 'MR. MAFIA CONTEST: IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS. OR DOES IT?' By: BrickTamland The Answer to that question is simply No. Since I am not currently in the Contest it can’t get much better. But on the other hand it just might be a very good show without me. As a press correspondent backstage I heard all the chatter from the judges and the contestants. While the judges had no comments, the First Fifteen, as they are calling them, are fired up about the contest and trash talking already. TieDomiII has already set his sights low for the contest knowing that two of the judges have money on him to lose. Just to clear things up this Contest is not rigged for TieDomiII to lose…. but only to get second to last place so everyone wins their bets. Lovable Randle_McMurphy has chosen not to speak before the proceedings; he is in his temple levitating right at this moment. He is also not answering my phone calls or his door. Evil_Clone actually cloned himself fifteen times to see if he could make all fifteen spots, but alas only one Clone could be chosen, and the rest were…taken elsewhere. KangaroosAndMelons has already said he will not win the Sexy Competition, but has high hopes for the Best Kangaroo Suit Competition, which is all in his head. Let’s hope he keeps it there. RedJelly has thrown down the gauntlet on Jellyman and Puck, by saying Jellyman is a liar, and Puck rhymes with suck. All that is good RedJelly, but drinking pina colladas and getting caught in the rain will get you drunk and wet, but award you no points. Cathan and EvilOmalley were both nominated for being completely awesome and sexy beyond your wildest dreams. When I asked for a comment from both of them, they both said “enough said, the nomination tells no lies.” Original_Chunkyness was nominated for being the coolest and most badass guy out there. And who here can’t agree more? No one that is the answer. For More Information about the Contestants and the Mr. Mafia Contest See the Streets For Updates. And Remember Folks, There is no loser…just TieDomiII. And Finally, Good Luck to all the contestants. 'GAZETTE SAVINGS SCHEME OPENS ' The Mafia Gazette is today announcing the opening of a new savings scheme for budding writers. Anyone writing articles for the Gazette is eligible for payment of a fee for their articles or submissions, but with the new scheme, you can opt to save your fee in a special account. No interest is to be paid on the saved cash; however, the writer or any subsequent offspring can draw it out at any time. This could give a valuable insurance policy to ensure that any descendants may benefit from the hard work put in. Each account will only be credited with money that the policyholder earns over their time of submitting articles or items and no other funds may be added to this amount at any time unless donations are made to the newspaper to fund such things as competitions etc. Should such donations be made, a percentage of the donation will be held as a policy. It is hoped that this scheme will encourage more budding journalists to try their skills and more diverse articles will appear in the newspaper. 'PUBLIC UNITY' By: Under_Boss The wedding of Mr. Anthony Montello and a Miss Caserr was announced publicly yesterday. After discussing many options, they ultimately decided upon a large-scale wedding, inviting all of mafia to attend. Everyone who is anyone is expected to attended, A-listers include, The Lieutenant, Underboss, Boo_Diggins, and possibly the self proclaimed Mayor of Detroit and his security staff. A bachelor party is planned by Underboss for the groom to be, expected to be thrown in the sultry city of Las Vegas in a club rented out by Underboss for the occasion, Las Vegas Metropolitan Police are expected to be on scene to insure the public safety. Plans for the bride to be have yet to be released. The question on many peoples mind is just how Antonio managed to court Caserr who has claimed several times that she did not wish to be married. It seems that this will be an event for the history books, no expense will be spared, it is rumoured that Mr. Montello has gone as far as to fly in a Persian minister to perform the ceremonies. Large gifts have been flowing in to the Bride and Groom, in amounts in excess of 25,000 dollars in one gift. The final location of the ceremonies has yet to be released, but it is sure to be over the top. 'PSYCHIC SCARECROW ' The Mafia world’s only bona fide psychic predicts your week ahead. Ignore the following words at your peril. Disclaimer: Under no circumstances can Psychic Scarecrow be held responsible for any inaccuracies in the following predictions. Cosmic winds and dust along with magnetic fluctuations in orbital patterns can adversely affect the regular movements of planets giving anomalous results This week. Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 23): Buying a horse has never been so easy. Especially when you find a spare $500,000 down the back of the sofa. A word of warning though, do your homework and study its past form because 80 percent of Virgo’s who follow this advice are likely to find themselves out of pocket within the week when it turns out you’ve bought a pantomime horse. To make matters worse, the guy at the back only has one leg. Libra (Sept 24-Oct 23): Your neighbour decides to raise some extra cash this week by holding a used car sale in his front yard. I’d call the local cops and trading council if I were you. But not before nipping over and snapping up that nice Ford Pickup going cheap with only 20,000km on the clock. Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22): Trouble this week when you return from vacation to find you have somehow locked next doors cat in your house for the last two weeks. The neighbour has been so worried about poor Tabby that there are flyers posted all around the place in their desperate search to find out what happened to him. The dilemma is, do you own up to your neighbour or simply claim the reward? Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21): Your well laid plans for a big hoolie with your mates goes awry this week when you discover there is actually only one bar in the whole of Denver. Still, the barman seems to be out of town so drink the place dry! Lucky Hiding Place: Just cover your eyes; if you can’t see them…they can’t see you. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20): Jupiter catches Venus naked in the shower by mistake this week. Expect a long list of embarrassing moments to follow here on Terra Firma. It will climax on Thursday when you manage to tread dog poop all over the HQ carpet. At least it will mask the unpleasant smell of Mrs Oggins the HQ cleaner. Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19): Trouble looms this week as the hit squad closes in. Some schlub has been passing out duff information to a local hothead who is now baying for your blood. Console yourself with a large bottle of whisky and pass on all of your hard earned wealth to your favourite charity before your killer raids your pockets. Lucky Hiding Place: Las Vegas, via Dallas and Denver. Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20): Wednesday finds you handcuffed and stripped naked. No, those fantasies about MoneyPenny haven’t come true just yet unfortunately; rather the feds have tracked you down on one of your interstate cocaine runs. A lesson will be learned however, and from this week onwards you won’t be concealing the good up your rectum any more. Lucky Hiding Place: Anywhere but your rectum really. Aries (Mar 21-Apr20): Your actions this week will go down in history as some of the crowning achievements of the crime world this century. I know you’re not all that good looking, Aries people rarely are, but don’t worry, artistic licence in the film industry will correct it by casting you as some guy called Marlon Brando. And you think YOU look fat?! Taurus (Apr 21-May 21): Whoever invented the cursed telephone ought to be shot. At least that will be your opinion this week. If it’s not some crank sending death threats, its bloody life insurance salesmen. Take advantage of those last minute deals in the travel agents window and get away from it all. I’m a Taurus and this is what I’m going to do, so it’s bound to come true for at least one or two others out there. Gemini (May 22-Jun 21): Oh dear, who got married this week then?! This week sees you regretting the decision to tie the knot and battling your inner demons on the best way to escape your ill advised decision. Listen to Mars in its ascension and take the violent route. Either you kill yourself or your spouse. The stars recommend killing the spouse and disguising yourself before going into hiding. Lucky Hiding Place: The trunk of a Ford Coupe. (Just be sure to put something like a blanket in first to soak up the blood.) Cancer (Jun 22-July 23): Cancer is the biggest killer of the 20th century so far. So get out there, buy yourself a nice shiny .38 revolver and have a ball! Lucky Hiding Place: Somewhere you won’t be found. Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23): Whoever told you that crisp white suit and fedora looked stylish was having you on big time. I know this is the 1940’s and everything and there is only so much variation possible with a suit and hat but come on, have some taste. Lucky Hiding Place: In a joke shop window. Psychic Scarecrow is available for private consultations in Birth chart Analysis and Psychic Readings all at reasonable rates. This weeks free prediction: There will be no horoscopes next week as I will be on holiday. 'RECIPE CORNER' By: Rhiannon Italian Vegetable Soup Recipe Summary Difficulty: Easy Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 55 minutes Yield: 6 servings Ingredients 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil 2 leeks (white and pale green parts only), chopped 2 garlic cloves, minced 6 zucchini, thinly sliced crosswise 2 (13 3/4-ounce) cans quartered artichoke hearts packed in water, drained Salt and freshly ground black pepper 10 cups vegetable broth 1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme leaves 4 ounces dried wide egg noodles Freshly grated Parmesan Directions: Heat the oil in a heavy large pot over medium heat. Add the leeks and sauté until translucent, about 8 minutes. Add the garlic and sauté until tender, about 2 minutes. Stir in the zucchini and artichokes. Season the vegetables with salt and pepper. Sauté until the zucchini are tender, about 10 minutes. Add the vegetable broth. Stir in the thyme and cook for 2 minutes. Cover the pot and bring the soup to a simmer. Decrease the heat to medium-low and simmer gently until the flavours develop, stirring occasionally, about 20 minutes. Increase the heat to medium-high. Add the noodles and cook until al dente, stirring constantly, about 5 minutes. Ladle the soup into bowls. Sprinkle with Parmesan and serve. 'NEWSPAPER SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE ' The Gazette will now be offering a subscription service for anyone wishing to receive the Mafia Gazette by mob mail or post. Subscriptions will cost$200 per week, $380 per fortnight, $700 per month or $5,000 for a lifetime subscription (post option only for fortnightly, monthly or lifetime subscriptions). All subscriptions will start from the day after subscription fees are paid. Please contact Tallulah for details of subscriptions or to apply to deliver the Gazette weekly subscriptions. Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact Tallulah, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand. 'WE HEAR THAT…' Gossip column by: Trixie ....Fishzilla has returned just to prove my article wrong. We also hear that sometime in the night, there will be a fish buffet at the Mafiaquarium, bring your grills, and your tartare sauce. ....No one wants Tie to win the Mr. Mafia contest. And many want a mr/s mafia contest. And a livestock contest. Oh the possibilities are endless here on our streets. But the most important thing, Tie cannot win. 'LETTERS TO THE EDITOR ' Anonymous Writers - Great Storytellers, better liars. By MiSTie After reading many of the stories written by anonymous Journalists I find myself greatly disgusted about the considerable number of untruths published there in. Many are grossly exaggerated; some are complete codswallop and other miss out huge important facts all together. I can understand many people in their chosen line of work may not want others knowing who they are, Omerta and all that, but do you not think its time that you invent a pen name. So at least the reader can develop a form of positive/negative respect for you? Or do we live in a world of completely spineless twits? ---- After the last two articles on Chell and DeepWound, I have noticed a flaw, although I am not happy to point it out. Chell never killed Sgretezza, it was a hoodlum who will not be named, but died from bubba an hour after it happened. In two shots he killed Segretezza and one of his members, all because he was asked by his boss to do so. Anonymous 'WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS ' Announcing the wedding of Natatia, daughter of MzMerc and Merc and JimRat of New York. The ceremony took place at All Saints Church, New York at 5:30pm on Sept.1.Wedding gifts are now being accepted. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to Tallulah at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. Come to Ye Olde Pub (bar forum) Come relax, drink, eat, have a good time.(in New York) mm get111 for details Wanted to buy slot machines. Any condition. Any denomination. Have millions to spend. Mob mail MadDog if you have one for sale. 'REFERENCES' '''1. '''Article taken from http://pvp.a.mafia.org/gazette.php?issue=21. Browse • • • • • • •